By Dr. Abiola Salami, Author, No More Shrinking™ – A Performance Tool for Unleashing Untapped Creativity and Market Growth for Women Who Are Done Playing Small
The Hidden Curriculum of Womanhood
There’s what you were taught and then there’s what you learned between the lines.
You were taught to work hard. Be respectful. Be excellent. But you learned that being liked matters more than being respected. You learned that confidence gets called arrogance. You learned that situations where men are perceived to be assertive, women are peceived to be aggressive.
That is what I call the hidden curriculum of womanhood. The silent rules that shaped your silence. Let me give you a picture.
Imagine a 7-year-old girl. She’s outspoken, playful, creative. She answers every question in class intelligently. She speaks up at home with tact and grace. She knows who she is.
Then one day, someone says: “Can you lower your voice?” “Girls who talk too much get in trouble.” “No one likes a show-off.”
And so she shrinks. She learns the rules:
- Be good, not great.
- Be soft, not strong.
- Be visible but not too visible.
That girl doesn’t disappear. She just becomes a woman who blends in.
Let me ask you this: What were you praised for as a girl? What were you punished for? Perhaps that’s where the hiding began.
Naming the Scripts
Let’s name a few of the most dangerous scripts passed down to powerful women:
- “Be seen, not heard.”
- “Don’t rock the boat.”
- “Wait for permission.”
- “Let a man lead.”
- “Don’t be too ambitious.”
- “Play it safe. Stay in your lane.”
On the surface, these may look like mere words. But in my years of studying woman psychology and coaching female leaders has taught me that these are coded messages buried in parenting, media, religion, and even mentorship.
The truth is, a lot of what you’ve called ‘humility’ is actually learned self-erasure.
And it’s time to unlearn it.
The Lawyer Who Hid Behind Her Male Subordinate
I once coached Fatima a top-tier corporate lawyer. She is brilliant, strategic and respected behind the scenes.
But in every pitch, she deferred to her male team member. She’d write the strategy, prep the team, win the deal and let someone else present.
When I asked her why, she said: “Dr. Abiola Salami, that’s just how the firm works. Women stay behind the scenes until they call you forward.”
Sadly in Fatima’s case, they never called her forward. Because systems rarely reward silence with leadership.
From our coaching sessions, Fatima realized that the belief, “They’ll see my work and promote me,” was one of the biggest fallacies of all time.
Today, she owns her voice in courtrooms and boardrooms. Not because someone gave her permission. But because she stopped waiting for it.
Sources of Shrinking
Having coached hundreds of female leaders, I have found the three top sources of shrinking for women – family, faith & culture. Let’s be brave for a moment. Let’s talk about where the hiding comes from.
Family
In your family, you were trained to minimize yourself to maintain peace. Do the statements below sound familiar?
- “Don’t talk back.”
- “Respect your elders.”
- “Don’t outshine your siblings.”
Faith Communities
Faith communities come with several incidences of misquoted scriptures, gendered expectatins and platforms where women serve but rarely lead, In your faith community, you were told that obedience equals silence. But that’s actually not the divine order ; its just a cultural order.
Cultural Norms
In many cultures, whe you are confident, you are perceived as “too bold” and you are labeled disrespectful. When you’ve made a mark beyond expectations, you are perceived as “too successful” and your success become suspicious. When you air a view in opposition to the general view with utmost decorum, you are perceived as “too vocal’ and it means you are a troublesome woman.
Every time you hide to survive, you abandon the part of you designed to lead.
Quick Questions
I want you to ask yourself the following 5 questions. Pause for each question and write what comes to mind.
1. What do I tone down in rooms that matter?
2. What do I underplay in my LinkedIn bio?
3. What do I stay silent about in team meetings?
4. What idea have I kept in my notebook instead of pitching to the board?.
5. What truth about my calling have I stopped defending?
Always remember that if you keep hiding your strength, don’t be surprised when they underestimate your value.
Rewrite the Script
Let’s do something radical. Let’s start rewriting the script. Take one script you inherited and flip it. Here are a few examples:
Old Script: “Don’t be too ambitious.”
New Script: “My ambition serves purpose, not ego. It’s how I honor my calling with excellence.”
Old Script: “Let others speak first.”
New Script: “I listen with respect—and when it’s time, I contribute with clarity and conviction.”
Old Script: “Wait your turn.”
New Script: “I recognize timing and wisdom, yet I won’t mute my readiness when purpose calls me forward.”
Speak your new script out loud. Then write it in your journal. Repetition creates transformation.
The Pilot Who Reclaimed Her Voice
Tola was one of the few female pilots in a male-dominated airline. Skilled, composed, and fiercely committed to excellence, she had earned her place in the cockpit — but not without resistance. She was often told to “tone it down,” to “smile more,” and to “let the captain take the lead” even when her expertise outshone his.
For months, she complied. She softened her tone, shrunk her brilliance, and dimmed her confidence just to keep the peace. Until the day turbulence hit mid-flight and the senior pilot froze.
Every second mattered. Tola took command. Calmly, firmly, and without apology, she guided the aircraft and 200 passengers safely to the ground. When the press later asked how she stayed so composed, she smiled and said, “Respect is not silence. And I will not shrink to fit your comfort.”
She didn’t just land a plane that day. She landed back into her power and every woman who heard her story felt permission to do the same.
Power Practice for the Week
This week’s power move is about awareness and ownership.
- Track the Scripts: Every time you find yourself editing, delaying, or doubting yourself, just pause. Write down the script behind that behavior.
- Challenge the Origin: Ask: Who told me this? Is it still true? Does it serve my future?
- Rewrite the Scene: Visualize the moment you hid and replay it boldly. Speak. Stand. Act. As if you weren’t afraid.
This is how you untrain the hiding habit.
An Invitation to Reconnect — The Women in Leadership Dinner
If this conversation has awakened a quiet reminder that you are capable of more, ready for more, meant for more, then I personally invite you to the Women in Leadership Dinner during The Peak Performer Festival (TPP Fest 2025).
This private dinner is not a conference. It is a refined, closed-circle experience for women who have led with excellence and impact, yet now seek to lead with greater creativity, balance, and authenticity.
This year, we gather under the powerful theme: No More ShrinkingTM: How Women Can Unleash Untapped Creativity & Market Growth with 21st Century Intelligence.
Headlining this year’s Dinner are three Power Women who embody brilliance, courage, and transformation. Each woman brings a distinct dimension of feminine excellence to the conversation:
- Prof. (Amb.) Olubukola Abdulrazaq — First Lady of Kwara State, Nigeria; Director, Economic, Consular and Legal Department at Nigeria’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Chairperson of the Nigeria Governors’ Wives Forum. She is a global diplomat and academic, embodying intellectual depth, diplomacy, and international women’s leadership.
- Hadiza Bala Usman — Special Adviser on Policy & Coordination to President Bola Tinubu, also heading the Central Delivery Coordination Unit (CDCU) representing systemic reform, governance excellence, and women in public leadership.
- Ms. Olatowun Candide-Johnson — Corporate leader and Founder of GAIA Africa, representing executive presence and authentic leadership.
Together, we will:
- Confront the silent pressures that cause women leaders to shrink from self-doubt to systemic barriers.
- Reveal bold strategies for sustaining confidence, presence, and resilience at the top.
- Show how unapologetic authenticity strengthens leadership, credibility, and legacy.
- Inspire a movement of African women who refuse to shrink, choosing instead to rise, lead, and transform.
- Share insights on leveraging 21st Century Intelligence (i.e. emotional, cultural, digital, and AI) to unlock creativity and drive market growth.
This will be a night of elegance, insight, elevation as well as a safe and sacred space for women who lead nations, industries, and narratives to be refilled and re-inspired.
The evening will also feature the official presentation of the groundbreaking book, No More Shrinking™ – A Performance Tool for Unleashing Creativity and Market Growth in Women Who Are Done Playing Small.
If you are ready to rise without shrinking, request your exclusive invitation by emailing team@tppafrica.com with the subject line “Women in Leadership Dinner – TPP Fest 2025.” Because women’s leadership is not just about power. It is about purpose, creativity, and legacy.
About Dr. Abiola Salami
Dr. Abiola Salami is the Convener of Dr Abiola Salami International Leadership Bootcamp ; The Peak PerformerTM Festival Made4More Accelerator Program and The New Year Kickoff Summit. He is the Principal Performance Strategist at CHAMP – a full scale professional services firm trusted by high performing business leaders for providing Executive Coaching, Workforce Development & Advisory Services to improve performance. You can reach his team on hello@abiolachamp.com and connect with him @abiolachamp on all social media platforms.
For private coaching, boardroom recalibration, or executive healing strategy, connect email me directly at hello@abiolachamp.com to begin your private Executive Coaching Session.
