By Dr. Abiola Salami
You’ve made it.
People stand when you enter the room. You’re consulted before decisions are made. You’re celebrated on LinkedIn, admired on stages and quoted in boardrooms.
You carry the title: President, Governor, Chairman, CEO, MD, Partner, Director, or Leader.
But somewhere along the journey, you started losing the one room where you could actually be real. because the higher you rise, the fewer places you can exhale.
This is the invisible cost of leadership. The kind no one talks about in strategy sessions or performance reviews. This is the loneliness that power often conceals.
The Hidden Room No One Sees
Let me introduce you to Dare (not his real name), but a very real man with a very real story.
Dare is a 44-year-old Managing Director at a multinational firm in Lagos. He is Ivy League educated, highly revered and well rewarded for his contribution.
But in one of our executive coaching sessions, Dare leaned in and whispered what many leaders never say out loud: “Abiola, I’m surrounded but I’m alone. Everyone wants my decisions but no one really ask about me.”
Dare had just lost his mother and the very next day, he delivered a flawless investor presentation because “that is what leaders do,” he said.
He showed up, smiled and hit the numbers.
But inside? Dare was grieving in isolation.
When he casually mentioned to his team that he was feeling overwhelmed, one responded with nervous laughter:
“Ah boss, if you are tired, then the rest of us are finished.”
Th translation of that statement is:
“You’re not allowed to be human. We depend on your strength to feel safe.”
So Dare kept performing strength.
He started sleeping at the office to avoid conversations at home. His kids started calling him “sir” more often than “dad.” His marriage began to fracture.
Yet the press called him a “modern leadership icon.”
Here’s what shocked me:
Dare wasn’t burnt out from work.
He was burnt out from pretending to be okay.
What Dare was experiencing is something I call Emotional Isolation in Executive Spaces. It is a silent epidemic of quiet leaders who look like success but feel like shadows.
I’ve coached many high-performing leaders across industries and continents, and here’s what I’ve learned:
Loneliness is not the absence of people, it is the absence of being seen.
This is an invisible cost of leadership.
Let’s put language to what leaders feel but rarely voice.
I call this framework the 4 P’s of the Invisible Toll of Leadership:
1. Pressure Without Permission
You are applauded for being “resilient.” but no one gives you permission to pause. You are expected to just handle it because of the perks, the status and the extrinsic rewards and vulnerability feels like a luxury you can’t afford.
2. Presence Without Intimacy
You are in every room that matters but none that nourish you. You are networked but not nurtured because everyone wants access to your calendar but not your heart and wellbeing.
3. Power Without Partnership
People defer to you but very few know you. You are respected but not necessarily reached.
4. Performance Without Processing
You keep delivering results even while emotionally hemorrhaging. You hit quarterly targets while shrinking quietly on the inside.
Consequently, you become what I call a Functional Ghost. This means you are visible, productive but hollow.
This doesn’t just apply to corporate executives as I have seen it in Founders, Pastors, NGO leaders, Presidents, Governors and anyone whose leadership role requires emotional suppression to maintain authority.
One of the core truths of emotional intelligence is that leaders who ignore their emotions don’t lead better.; rather they just leak worse. This is because unprocessed tension always finds its way out in tone, in dismissiveness, in quiet emotional numbness and in burnout disguised as “being busy.”
Truth is, you can’t outperform what you refuse to process.
So what do you do when you’re the strong one but you are tired of being strong?
Here are three soul-aligned strategies to help you navigate the loneliness:
1. Build a Personal Boardroom
You sit on multiple boards but who’s on yours? So, create a circle of 2–4 trusted people who are not impressed by your title, who can challenge you with love, pray for you behind closed doors and remind you who you are without applause.
2. Book Non-Transactional Time
Give yourself the dignity of being known. Once a month, block time to connect with Coach or Therapist where no work is discussed. It should not be a strategy meeting or a mentorship session. It should just be a space for you to be human.
3. Tell the Truth in Safe Spaces
You don’t have to be vulnerable everywhere but you do need a few places to drop the mask.
Start simple: “Honestly, I’ve been showing up… but I’m tired. I need space to just be.”
That one sentence can repair your marriage, save your mental health and realign your leadership.
Your Reflection This Week
If you have read this far, take a breath and ask yourself: “Where in my leadership am I performing strength instead of processing truth?”
Let that sit. You don’t need to fix it today but you do need to notice it because your awareness is the beginning of your healing.
Do remember, you are more than your KPI, more than your followers, more than your executive summary.
You are a person worthy of support, worthy of being seen and worthy of safe spaces.
This is your reminder: Your title is just your current lane, it is not your limit.
So lead well and live fully. You don’t have to carry it alone anymore.
If this resonated with you, even if just a little, then you’re not alone.
Share this with one leader who looks strong but may be silently struggling. Follow me for more emotionally intelligent insights for high-performing leaders.
Comment below: What part of this message hit you the hardest? Let us start an honest conversation.
Next Steps
If you are ready to reclaim the soul behind your strategy, we will be happy to support you to explore coaching designed for the invisible weight you carry because even the strongest leaders need space to breathe. Contact us on +2347026668008 or hello@abiolachamp.com .
About Dr. Abiola Salami
Dr. Abiola Salami is the Convener of Dr Abiola Salami International Leadership Bootcamp ; The Peak PerformerTM Festival Made4More Accelerator Program and The New Year Kickoff Summit. He is the Principal Performance Strategist at CHAMP – a full scale professional services firm trusted by high performing business leaders for providing Executive Coaching, Workforce Development & Advisory Services to improve performance. You can reach his team on hello@abiolachamp.com and connect with him @abiolachamp on all social media platforms.
