By Dr. Abiola Salami
How To Stay H.A.P.P.Y. When Legacy Feels Like a Burden An excerpt from the book T.I.T.L.E. – Taming the Invisible Toll of Leadership and Expectation by Dr. Abiola Salami
INTRODUCTION
How To Stay H.A.P.P.Y. When Legacy Feels Like a Burden
By Dr. Abiola Salami
“Leadership gives you a title. But it quietly takes pieces of your humanity unless you learn how to reclaim them.”
The Gift That Turned Into Chains
They told you legacy was a blessing. They said history would remember you. They said your name would echo through boardrooms, ministries, parliaments, and pulpits. And you believed them—because it felt noble, even sacred.
But somewhere along the journey, what was supposed to be a gift began to feel like chains.
Because when you are the first, the only, the best, or the last hope, your victories stop belonging to you alone. You start carrying the hopes of an entire people, an entire gender, sometimes even an entire nation.
At first, the applause fuels you. Then—the expectations consume you.
Every decision becomes a performance. Every mistake feels magnified. Every move carries the silent question: “What if I fail, and in failing, I fail everyone watching me?”
Legacy is a beautiful word. But when it weighs on your chest, when it turns into pressure you can no longer breathe under—it stops feeling like destiny, and starts feeling like a prison.
This article is for leaders who know that suffocating truth. Leaders who are admired but misunderstood. Leaders who broke barriers but quietly wonder: “What happens when the legacy I carry begins to break me?”
I want to speak to you today—not as a coach who admires your achievements, but as a human who understands your silent grief. Because if your legacy is crushing you, it’s not legacy—it’s weight. And weight is not meant to be carried alone.
The Hidden Grief of Being First, Best, or Only
Legacy feels glamorous until it becomes a cage.
- You were the first woman on that board.
- The youngest executive in that office.
- The only person from your community to rise that far.
At first, it felt powerful. But then it became pressure.
Every move had to be perfect.
Every word was scrutinized.
Every mistake was broadcast.
And slowly, the joy of achievement rotted under the strain of symbolism.
When you are a trailblazer, you’re not just doing a job. You’re representing a people. A possibility. A story bigger than yourself.
It is sacred. But it can also be suffocating.
Somewhere along the climb, victory turned into responsibility. Responsibility turned into weight. And weight turned into a grief you don’t know how to name.
Grief that you can’t just be human.
Grief that no one sees the person behind the historic role.
Grief that you’re respected publicly—but lonely privately.
This is the cost of legacy when it becomes a burden. And unless you learn how to manage it, it will consume you from the inside out.
Kwame’s Story – The Youngest Minister
At 33, Kwame became the youngest cabinet minister in his country. The media called him “the future of African governance.” He had the Ivy League degree, the reformist zeal, the vision. He embodied what the next generation was hoping for.
But within a year, Kwame was privately drowning.
Every policy he proposed was politicized. Every headline used his age as either a miracle—or a mockery. Every mistake by his staff wasn’t blamed on systems, but on his youth.
He began working 18-hour days. At first, he told himself it was temporary—that he was simply paying the price of history. But slowly, his life became consumed by the office. He stopped attending his children’s school events. He missed their birthdays, sometimes even forgetting to call. His young wife, once proud to stand beside him, began to feel like a widow to a living husband. Nights were the hardest—she would wait at the dinner table with the children, only to clear the plates untouched because Kwame was still locked in meetings.
One evening, his six-year-old son drew a picture of the family. He drew his mother, his younger sister, and himself. When Kwame asked why he wasn’t in the picture, the boy said innocently:
“Because you’re always at work, Daddy. You don’t live with us.”
That pierced him deeper than any headline. But instead of addressing it, he buried the pain under more work.
In public, Kwame was celebrated. In private, his marriage was straining. His wife confessed to feeling invisible—she told him she no longer recognized the man she had married. His children grew quieter around him, almost as if they had accepted that he was too important for them.
Then came the breaking point. During a televised speech, his voice cracked. Not from passion, but from sheer exhaustion. His staff tried to spin it as emotion, but he knew the truth—his body was finally exposing what he had been hiding.
Alone in his office afterwards, he stared at the mirror and whispered:
“I feel like I’m not allowed to be human. If I fail, everyone like me fails with me. But if I keep going like this, I’ll lose my family before I lose my job.”
That was the invisible toll of being first. Not just the pressure of leadership, but the quiet grief of watching your personal world fracture under the weight of your public role.
It was at this point that Kwame reached out for coaching.
In our sessions, we created the one thing his government office never gave him: a safe, confidential space to unmask. A space to admit that while he was a national symbol, he was also a husband, a father, a man in need of restoration.
We reframed his leadership identity—not as the fragile “young” minister everyone scrutinized, but as a strategic leader with unique vision. We worked on rhythms of rest and rituals of reconnection—with himself, with his wife, and with his children. We helped him separate his worth from public opinion. We built strategies for mentoring others so he would no longer feel like the “only one.”
Slowly, Kwame began to change. He made Saturday mornings sacred for his children. He started having dinner with his wife at least three nights a week, no exceptions. He learned to delegate boldly, empowering his team instead of micromanaging them.
The impact was profound. His decisions became sharper because they came from a rested mind. His family began to smile again, not just in pictures but in presence. His marriage, once strained, began to heal.
Two years later, Kwame successfully pushed through one of the most progressive policy reforms his country had seen in decades. Today, he is not just remembered as the youngest minister; he is respected as a sustainable leader who balanced legacy with life.
And in one of our later coaching sessions, he said something that has stayed with me:
“Legacy isn’t just what you build—it’s who you build with. Coaching helped me realize I can carry history without losing my family.”
Kwame’s story is the story of many leaders—celebrated by the world, but quietly grieving at home. What changed his path was not the pressure easing, but the decision to seek help and learn how to carry it differently.
The Three Forms of Legacy Pressure
The pressure of legacy often hides in three dangerous forms:
1. Representation Fatigue
When you’re the “only,” you’re hyper-visible. Every move feels precedent-setting. Every misstep is magnified. You’re praised publicly but dissected privately.
2. Perfection Paralysis
Because you’re seen as the standard, failure feels unthinkable. You bury your exhaustion under flawless performance. But deep down, you’re terrified of being exposed.
3. Symbolic Isolation
You’re admired—but not understood. You’re respected—but profoundly lonely. You smile at conferences, but cry in silence.
Signs You’re Carrying Too Much Legacy Weight
- You fear resting, convinced the movement will collapse without you.
- You second-guess even small decisions.
- You celebrate less, even when you achieve more.
- You fantasize—not about quitting—but about disappearing, just to find peace.
How to Cope With H.A.P.P.Y. Framework When Legacy Feels Heavy
Your legacy is too important to be abandoned, but it’s also too heavy to be carried alone.
H – Humanity Over Heroism
Leadership is not about becoming untouchable or invincible. You are not a monument to be worshiped—you are a human to be nurtured. Too many leaders collapse under the weight of pretending to be stronger than they are. Rest is not betrayal—it is stewardship. True courage is not in how much pain you can endure, but in how wisely you protect your humanity. The world does not need another exhausted hero; it needs a healthy, whole human being who can serve with clarity and longevity.
A – Anchor in Identity, Not Image
Your identity existed before your title, and it will remain after the title fades. Too many leaders confuse the costumes of leadership with the essence of who they are. Image is fleeting—identity is eternal. When applause stops and the spotlight shifts, what remains is your essence, your values, your soul. Anchor yourself in that. Your role can be taken away, your reputation may be debated, but your identity is unshakable. Lead from who you are, not from what you are seen to be.
P – Pass It On (Mentor Early)
Legacy is not built on performance alone; it multiplies through people. Many leaders wait until their energy is nearly gone before investing in others, but by then, the flame may be too dim to ignite another. Mentor early. Invite people into your process before your own light starts to flicker. The greatest gift you can give is not your achievements but your wisdom. When you pour into others at the peak of your journey, you ensure that your influence outlives your career.
P – Perspective of Success
Redefine what it means to win. Success is not being celebrated—it is being sustained. The applause of crowds is temporary; continuity of impact is eternal. Don’t measure yourself by the headlines you make today, but by the seeds you plant that will keep growing tomorrow. Leaders often chase recognition and awards, but the quiet work of building systems, values, and people will carry your legacy far beyond the noise of praise. True success is measured in how well the mission survives without you.
Y – Yearn for Authentic Relationships
You need spaces where you are not a leader, not a title, not a provider—just human. Seek out relationships that are not transactional but transformative. Spaces where you can be vulnerable without fear of judgment, where laughter is not strategy, and conversations are not networking. Authentic community keeps your soul alive when the demands of leadership threaten to hollow you out. Remember: leadership thrives in authenticity, not isolation. True legacy is not built on fans, but on friends who know you beyond your role.
Your legacy was never meant to be carried alone. You were meant to share the flame—not burn from it.
The African Burden of Legacy
Across Africa, legacy pressure has unique cultural layers.
- In politics, the first youth minister, the first female governor, the first reformist president carries not just policies but centuries of hope.
- In business, the first indigenous CEO of a multinational feels the weight of proving Africa can lead globally.
- In faith, the founding pastor or imam carries the burden of never failing—because to some, they represent God’s credibility.
But here’s the reality: the continent cannot afford broken leaders. We cannot keep losing pioneers to pressure. Our future depends on leaders who learn to sustain themselves, not sacrifice themselves.
Lessons Worth Carrying
- Be loyal to principles, not just personalities. People shift, values endure.
- Build exit protocols that honor—even those who failed you. Leadership is revealed in how you leave.
- Lead with clarity, not naivety. Keep your heart open, but your eyes sharp.
- Let legacy sharpen your discernment, not fuel your despair.
Conclusion
Legacy should be light, not a life sentence. It should lift others, not bury you.
But here’s the good news: you don’t have to carry it alone. Coaching gives you the space to unburden safely, recalibrate purposefully, and continue sustainably.
That’s why I coach presidents, CEOs, ministers, and spiritual leaders across the world—to shift them from the weight of expectation to the freedom of authentic impact.
So, let me speak directly to you:
If this article stirred something deep, don’t ignore it. Trailblazers who don’t pause, break. Icons who don’t rest, collapse. But leaders who recalibrate—last.
Your legacy is not proof of your worth. Your legacy is proof of your stewardship. And stewardship is not about breaking yourself—it’s about building beyond yourself.
So here is my invitation:
If you are tired of carrying legacy like a burden, let’s talk. Let coaching be your safe space. Let’s build a version of leadership where you honor your legacy without being crushed by it.
Because you deserve to rest, even if you’re the first to ever do it.
About Dr. Abiola Salami
Dr. Abiola Salami is the Convener of Dr Abiola Salami International Leadership Bootcamp ; The Peak PerformerTM Festival Made4More Accelerator Program and The New Year Kickoff Summit. He is the Principal Performance Strategist at CHAMP – a full scale professional services firm trusted by high performing business leaders for providing Executive Coaching, Workforce Development & Advisory Services to improve performance. You can reach his team on hello@abiolachamp.com and connect with him @abiolachamp on all social media platforms.
For private coaching, boardroom recalibration, or executive healing strategy, connect email me directly at hello@abiolachamp.com to begin your private Executive Coaching Session.
REFERENCES
Avolio, B. J., & Gardner, W. L. (2005). Authentic leadership development: Getting to the root of positive forms of leadership. The Leadership Quarterly, 16(3), 315–338. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.leaqua.2005.03.001. 張瑞釗 Chang Reed-Joe
Clance, P. R., & Imes, S. A. (1978). The impostor phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 15(3), 241–247. SCIRP
Cohen, S., & Wills, T. A. (1985). Stress, social support, and the buffering hypothesis. Psychological Bulletin, 98(2), 310–357. lchc.ucsd.edu
Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000138. LSE Research Online
Edmondson, A. C. (2018). The fearless organization: Creating psychological safety in the workplace for learning, innovation, and growth. Wiley. Wiley
Greenhaus, J. H., & Beutell, N. J. (1985). Sources of conflict between work and family roles. Academy of Management Review, 10(1), 76–88. ResearchGate
Jones, R. J., Woods, S. A., & Guillaume, Y. R. F. (2016). The effectiveness of workplace coaching: A meta-analysis of learning and performance outcomes from coaching. Journal of Occupational and Organizational Psychology, 89(2), 249–277. https://doi.org/10.1111/joop.12119. CentAUR
Kanter, R. M. (1977). Some effects of proportions on group life: Skewed sex ratios and responses to token women. American Journal of Sociology, 82(5), 965–990.
LeanIn.Org. (2018). What being an “Only” is like. (Explains the “Only” experience and hyper-visibility). Lean In
LeanIn.Org & McKinsey & Company. (2024). Women in the Workplace 2024. (Annual report on women at work, including the “Onlys”/representation experience). ScienceDirect
Mansbridge, J. (1999). Should Blacks represent Blacks and women represent women? A contingent “Yes.” The Journal of Politics, 61(3), 628–657. JSTOR
Seibert, S. E., Wang, G., & Courtright, S. H. (2011). Antecedents and consequences of psychological and team empowerment in organizations: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Applied Psychology, 96(5), 981–1003. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0022676. ResearchGate
Sonnentag, S., & Fritz, C. (2007). The Recovery Experience Questionnaire: Development and validation of a measure for assessing recuperation and unwinding from work. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, 12(3), 204–221. read.qxmd.com
Steele, C. M., & Aronson, J. (1995). Stereotype threat and the intellectual test performance of African Americans. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 69(5), 797–811.
Theeboom, T., Beersma, B., & van Vianen, A. E. M. (2014). Does coaching work? A meta-analysis on the effects of coaching on individual level outcomes in an organizational context. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 9(1), 1–18. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2013.837499. Wholebeing Institute
World Health Organization. (2019). Burn-out an “occupational phenomenon”: ICD-11 FAQ. (Defines burnout as a syndrome from chronic workplace stress).
